Broken

Waze
July 1, 2017
New Shoes
July 23, 2017

Brokenness is a topic of conversation that keeps showing itself to me these days.  Whether it’s a bible verse or hours-long conversations with a dear friend, it’s obvious that we all carry brokenness.  The bible tells us that broken people are blessed, which is completely counterintuitive to what our culture thinks and our #firstworldproblems.

In the introduction of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says in Matthew 5

(3)Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

(4)Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted….

(10) Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I picked out those 3 specific versus for a reason….no one who feels poor in spirit, who is mourning or is being persecuted feels blessed.  I mean come on!  But that’s exactly what the Bible tells us and we know it’s TRUTH.  Broken people are blessed with the ability to experience Christ in a way that others won’t.  To accept your brokenness and fully accept that Christ can carry that weight for you brings blessings and freedom beyond our imagination.

But no one wants to feel broken, let along admit they’re broken.  It’s why we find ourselves surrounded by social media where we only present the best possible view of our life to the outside world.  I got a new car! #blessed.  Look at my great vacation! #blessed  My kids and spouse are so great! #blessed (please note there is no judgement here because I’m completely guilty of this myself)

 

What would it look like if we all posted our brokenness??  It would probably be a little scary and a lot sad, but the freedom from having to keep up a facade would allow us to open ourselves up to one another, to allow the Holy Spirit to work and see the real blessings poor out.  On a personal level, you’d see more posts from me that look like “Layla hasn’t eaten in 2 days 🙁 #chemosucks” or “Someone please tell Satan to leave me alone! #hesajerk” or “I just want to hide in my closet and cry #wheresmyxanax”

Last week, Layla started her second round of chemo and we spent a good part of the day at the hospital. Crammed in one tiny room or another (outpatient chemo is not glamorous), she and I kept ourselves occupied with coloring and watching movies together.  By the time we got home I could feel myself wanting to crawl up the walls….I needed fresh air!!  I left Layla to take a nap (don’t worry, Bryan was home) and I went out for a walk in the 100 degree heat.  I put on my Casting Crowns Pandora station and was hard-core Christian-Rockin’ it out 😉  One of my favorite songs from NeedToBreathe (Hard Love) came on – my favorite part “You can’t change without a fallout”.  Truer words have never been spoken about these past 9 months (geez…9 months already?!)  It ties directly into my experience of being broken and blessed.  I hate to admit it, but it took my precious daughter having cancer TWICE for me to recognize where I was still holding on to things instead of placing them in God’s always faithful hands.  Where I could not fathom taking time off work, God showed me that I could.  Where I couldn’t imagine people stepping in (again!) via our GoFundMe, God showed me that they would.  When the time comes to make a decision about next steps, I can’t begin to think how we will make choices not knowing the outcome…but God will.

The first 2 lines of this song are:
“Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it’s stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today
In the morning you gon’ need an answer
Ain’t nobody gonna change the standard
It’s not enough to just feel the flame
You’ve gotta burn your old self away”
Part of you has to die.  It has to burn away.  Broken.  Gone.  Left as ash at the alter to be made new again in Christ.  I’m ready for newness and for my old habits and control issues to be left in a pile far behind me. Many of them keep holding on for dear life….like trying to get old gum off the bottom of your shoe.  I scrape and scrape, but still feel them with each step.  Some days more than others.  I know if I keep allowing myself to be broken, and sharing it with others, Jesus will keep scraping with me.  You want to know my worst one?  I call it “God’s-got-a-plan-but-I-have-a-backup”.  I’ve always been big on back up plans and “in case of emergency” situations.  It’s like when you have an infant and you need to carry at least 4 changes of clothes in the diaper bag.  Because some trips to Target are gonna require all 4!
I WANT to surrender to God’s plan and allow him to do A-MAZ-ING things for us….but…maybe I should be planning over here in the corner.  Ya know, just in case he doesn’t come through!  Which is ridiculous because he absolutely WILL come through.  It may not be the way that I imagined it or with the timing that I want, so there’s the rub.  I’m human and I want things the way I want them.  That will always be the reality of it, hence the continuous struggle.  Some days it leaves me wondering why I should try at all if it’s so hard.  At least if I’m “managing” things myself I can control them, right?  Been there, done that.  First of all, I’m terrible at managing all the things and second, it’s freakin’ exhausting.  My family deserves more than just a distracted version of their wife and mommy.  When I stop concerning myself about the outcomes and “what ifs” I’m able to enjoy the moments that really matter.  The moments that are right in front of me and never will be again.  #realblessings